#2 You Are Worthy
16/12/2020
I was first diagnosed with depression at age 16. What was I doing at 16? I had found out my Dad was having an affair. I had to tell my Mum, she's the one who keeps my world turning.
My Dad left us. My Mum worked 12 hours shifts to keep the house wr lived in with my little brother. My little brother was 11. I would cook his dinner and help with his homework before revising for my exams. My Mum would come home, have a dinner consisting of a cigarette and a glass of wine, before carrying herself to bed, only to cry herself to sleep. I fell asleep listening to her every night. I was 16.
My brother went to my Dad's house for the summer, my Mum packed his bags, expecting him to come home. My Dad's never booked his flights and my Mum never got to say goodbye. I was out one evening, at my then boyfriend's house for dinner, when I get a call from my Mum. She was drunk, not making much sense. She told me loved me and then said goodbye. I was screaming down the phone to a call that had already ended. Begging his parents to drive me home, I exploded put of the car when we pulled up, I had never run so quickly, everything blurring around me. I got into the house to find my Mum, a half drank bottle of wine and empty pill blisters on the coffee table. I felt sick, I screamed at her. I couldn't stop screaming. What have you done? What have you done? What have you done?
Paramedics arrive. She's conscious and doesn't tell them what she has taken. She later tells them they are her anti-depressants. There's nothing the paramedics can do. I put her to bed. I was 16.
It's trial and error on the anti-depressants. In my early 20s I start to experience strange mood swings. They started pretty normal. I'm okay, going about my day and then the smallest inconvenience would full me with uncontrollable rage. I'd be tidying my bedroom, and then out of nowhere, I'd cry. There's no explanation. I dont know why I'm crying, but I just can't stop these sobs and tears from flooding down my face. I'd cry and cry until I fall asleep, in a ball on the floor.
A few weeks later, I'm okay. I'm more than okay. I'm walking on clouds, I'm full of this energy that comes in quantities that I can't use. I am loud, I am confident, I am invincible. Until I'm not.
My alarm goes off. I haven't slept. I couldn't sleep but I am exhausted. My mind won't turn off yet it says nothing. I can't get out of bed. Something is pushing me down into the mattress and it won't let me get up. I sit up, but I am heavy. I drag myself out of the bed and I pick up whatever clothes are closest to me from the floor and pull them onto my body. I brush my hair, barely able to lift up my arms. My hair is tangled and I cry.
I am up and dressed. I look in the mirror, and I hate what I see. I see this failure. It disgusts me. I am so angry with myself. What have I done to deserve such hatred? Nothing. Everything.
I go to work. I sit at my desk, I try and concentrate but I can hear everything, yet nothing is happening. I can hear ringing, white noise, voices, I can hear televisions, I can hear radios, I can hear conversations, shouting, whispers. I close my eyes, the noise takes over me. I am angry and just as I feel I am going to burst, I can't breathe.
Age 22, I am diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.
It's been almost 2 years since I last contemplated taking my own life. Some days are harder than others, somedays I do hate myself but it has gotten easier as i know the dark times will pass. I have learned to cope, I accept that this is part of me now and rather than be scared of this illness, I have learned to take control of it. It is possible. You are strong and you can overcome your darkest fears, even if that fear is your own mind.
I know, first hand how it can seem easier to end it all. But please, don't give into that darkness. It does get better, you just need to find that strength that is inside of you. We all have that strength. You are never alone, you are beautiful, you are worthy.
Never forget, you are worthy.
-V.
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