#3 Always You
17/12/2020
I remember the day we met. We were 12, we were at school, on our lunch break.
You had the most beautiful bright blue eyes I had ever seen. The kind you could get lost in for all the eternities to come. Eyes so piercing, I couldn't tell if you were looking into me or through me. My stomach fell into a constant spin... Who is this person?
As time went on, we had the typical school relationship. Together one minute, with another class mate the next. Yet, for almost 3 years, we always came back to eachother in the end...
I'd say I couldn't tell you why, but I can. I absolutely can.
You are so genuine, even at the age you were. You didn't give into the demands of secondary school, you weren't so naive to the social pressures that teenagers at school face. You were you. You were always the best version of you, wearing the most infectious smile. Your smile could light up the darkest, deepest of oceans and it was felt. Nobody was oblivious to the effect you had on them, you were such a light. You were the person that nobody knew they needed. But I did.
I remember our first kiss. After school, in the playing fields only a short walk from your house. I remember being young, and having no cares, other than making sure you saw me. You were the most important person, you were all I needed. That day, nobody else existed. It was you, I and the rest of our lives. After that moment, nobody could touch us, we were invincible...
We fast forward to 2009. My parents can't afford to live where we are anymore. My heart is torn out of my chest, our future plans are shattered like a mirror. Though, we are still young, it wasn't any less painful. To move from one country to another, to have your entire life pulled from under your feet, it hurts. But not as much as when you didn't say goodbye...
July 2009, you haven't called, you haven't texted, you still haven't said goodbye. I leave.
Though, an ocean between us made no difference... we found eachother again. Though, not in person. We'd talk most nights, for hours. We'd make plans for the future, laugh about old times, like nothing had changed. We promised eachother forever... Sometimes, we'd say nothing but we didn't need to. Having eachother was all we wanted, having eachother is all we needed.
As we grew up, we made new friends. We dated other people and slowly, we became less a part of eachother's lives, still there, but nothing more than a memory. My relationships didn't last. But yours did...
Now, we fast forward again. It's 2020, it's been 8 years since we last spoke. I message you, an old memory. Afterall, we shared a childhood. The worst that could happen is you don't reply. You do. We speak about old times, we talk about our lives and where we are, what are we doing? Then, my phone rings. It's you.
My heart skips a literal beat, before plunging down through my chest and into my gut. I consider not answering, you're engaged afterall, but my selfishness and curiosity overtakes me and I answer the phone, putting it to my ear and I hear it, loud and clear in my ear. Your voice travels through me, vibrating every nerve within me. Your voice so deep, it vibrates against every nerve in my body, sending waves, pulling on every vein and artery that leads directly to my heart, and that empty space where you used to be, is temporarily no longer empty.
We talk, about what ifs, about what could have been. I feel it, and part of you still feels it too. But I can't help but think this is it. This is your goodbye, the one I didn't get 11 years ago. This call was exactly 6 months ago and I still think about it. That one call, was enough to bring it all rushing back.
You're married now, with three beautiful children. I am so genuinely happy for you, I am so happy that you have found your happiness in this life and I truly hope it is everything and more, Dear God knows you deserve it.
But this blog wouldn't serve it's true purpose if I didn't say that a part of me isn't happy for you, not one bit. I would give anything to be the woman making you happy. I would trade all I have just to be with you. I am incredibly jealous of the woman who has the upmost privilege of calling you her husband and although I hate her for taking you away from me, I hope she makes you makes you happy and gives you her love undivided, because you deserve nothing less. I do still question why I didn't try harder earlier. If I had made more effort at long distance, would you be with her?
It's hard not to feel betrayed by fate, because the matter of fact is, after all this time, it's still you. I still love you.
Maybe one day, we will find eachother. But until then, I must try and let you go. This is my goodbye.
-V.
You had the most beautiful bright blue eyes I had ever seen. The kind you could get lost in for all the eternities to come. Eyes so piercing, I couldn't tell if you were looking into me or through me. My stomach fell into a constant spin... Who is this person?
As time went on, we had the typical school relationship. Together one minute, with another class mate the next. Yet, for almost 3 years, we always came back to eachother in the end...
I'd say I couldn't tell you why, but I can. I absolutely can.
You are so genuine, even at the age you were. You didn't give into the demands of secondary school, you weren't so naive to the social pressures that teenagers at school face. You were you. You were always the best version of you, wearing the most infectious smile. Your smile could light up the darkest, deepest of oceans and it was felt. Nobody was oblivious to the effect you had on them, you were such a light. You were the person that nobody knew they needed. But I did.
I remember our first kiss. After school, in the playing fields only a short walk from your house. I remember being young, and having no cares, other than making sure you saw me. You were the most important person, you were all I needed. That day, nobody else existed. It was you, I and the rest of our lives. After that moment, nobody could touch us, we were invincible...
We fast forward to 2009. My parents can't afford to live where we are anymore. My heart is torn out of my chest, our future plans are shattered like a mirror. Though, we are still young, it wasn't any less painful. To move from one country to another, to have your entire life pulled from under your feet, it hurts. But not as much as when you didn't say goodbye...
July 2009, you haven't called, you haven't texted, you still haven't said goodbye. I leave.
Though, an ocean between us made no difference... we found eachother again. Though, not in person. We'd talk most nights, for hours. We'd make plans for the future, laugh about old times, like nothing had changed. We promised eachother forever... Sometimes, we'd say nothing but we didn't need to. Having eachother was all we wanted, having eachother is all we needed.
As we grew up, we made new friends. We dated other people and slowly, we became less a part of eachother's lives, still there, but nothing more than a memory. My relationships didn't last. But yours did...
Now, we fast forward again. It's 2020, it's been 8 years since we last spoke. I message you, an old memory. Afterall, we shared a childhood. The worst that could happen is you don't reply. You do. We speak about old times, we talk about our lives and where we are, what are we doing? Then, my phone rings. It's you.
My heart skips a literal beat, before plunging down through my chest and into my gut. I consider not answering, you're engaged afterall, but my selfishness and curiosity overtakes me and I answer the phone, putting it to my ear and I hear it, loud and clear in my ear. Your voice travels through me, vibrating every nerve within me. Your voice so deep, it vibrates against every nerve in my body, sending waves, pulling on every vein and artery that leads directly to my heart, and that empty space where you used to be, is temporarily no longer empty.
We talk, about what ifs, about what could have been. I feel it, and part of you still feels it too. But I can't help but think this is it. This is your goodbye, the one I didn't get 11 years ago. This call was exactly 6 months ago and I still think about it. That one call, was enough to bring it all rushing back.
You're married now, with three beautiful children. I am so genuinely happy for you, I am so happy that you have found your happiness in this life and I truly hope it is everything and more, Dear God knows you deserve it.
But this blog wouldn't serve it's true purpose if I didn't say that a part of me isn't happy for you, not one bit. I would give anything to be the woman making you happy. I would trade all I have just to be with you. I am incredibly jealous of the woman who has the upmost privilege of calling you her husband and although I hate her for taking you away from me, I hope she makes you makes you happy and gives you her love undivided, because you deserve nothing less. I do still question why I didn't try harder earlier. If I had made more effort at long distance, would you be with her?
It's hard not to feel betrayed by fate, because the matter of fact is, after all this time, it's still you. I still love you.
Maybe one day, we will find eachother. But until then, I must try and let you go. This is my goodbye.
-V.
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