#6 My Own Worst Enemy

Just when I think everything is going so well, I go into full on doubt mode and fuck it up and I think I'm doing it again.

I'm with someone, he's amazing and the closest thing to perfect for me. He adores me and tells me how amazing and beautiful I am. He makes me laugh, he dances with me while I'm cooking and he talks about our forever and plans our future. He's gorgeous, he nerds out over the same stuff as me. He's everything I could ever want and need, but I still feel like something is missing.

2 months ago I was walking on air and I wanted this future so badly. I don't know what's changed. 

Am I scared? Am I talking myself out of it because I don't feel like I deserve it? Am I scared I'm going to hurt him when it's last thing he deserves? Is it because I'm still in love with someone even though I know I can't be with them? 

I'm so fucking confused. I have no reason to doubt this isn't going to work out but I can't help but think maybe it's best for me to be alone? Nobody else to hurt, nobody's feelings to worry about. 

Fuck me, I want that happiness so bad but I just don't think the happiness I want to feel exists. What if it does and I lost it? What if I never find that person I'm supposed to find it with and I fill that gap with someone else just out of fear of being alone?

I just want some reassurance that everything will work out and I'm just being stupid. I'm just so scared of being alone and not being able to tell anyone how lonely I feel because my relationship is the definition of perfect from everyone on the outside, but it's not his fault? It's me, my fault. 

I just want to scream and be held and just cry but there's nobody to hear me and nobody to tell me it will all be okay. I just feel like I'm too broken to be happy and my head won't let me be happy. 

Actual definition of my own worst enemy.

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